Life is bugging me right now. What happens when life bugs me? Who is my dearest frenemy?
Friggin' food.
It has consoled me in ways I never wanted it too since I had surgery. I nibbled on things I haven't touched in 16 months. I'm pizzed. I'm ashamed. And not really surprised! What tha??
I got news that my husband's job will be taking him to the streets. Catching the bad guys again. Great. Not happy to be honest. I was content with where he was the past 3 years and our schedule and routines were all in place and it was comfort.
My son's social skills group, his therapy, my daughter's preschool, doctor visits, blah, blah. I know. Let's just say I was happy with how organized my life was.
NOW? Turned upside down. We find out today what days he works and the hours. Oh the dreaded damn hours. Graveyard? I seriously hope not. Even though I have 5 kids in this house with me it's not the same. I get zero sleep when he is gone. Now I have to manage all we do on a few hours sleep?
Yes I feel guilty for being selfish. I never even asked how HE was feeling about it all. I was just worried about my own life at the time.
SO....
this stress scares me. I don't think I ever got down to the dirty on why I got fat. When my 11 year old was diagnosed with high functioning autism 3 years ago it was actually a relief. I knew all along but when they are high functioning it's harder to get a diagnosis and services. That put me in ADVOCATE BUTT KICKIN MAMA mode. I got what my son needed in school and outside of school. It's still hard for me to come to terms with it all still.
I was ready to focus on my health and I got the surgery. Yes it sucked afterwards for 3 months on the picc line but I got over it.
Being home with the kids for the past 10 years has been tough too. I was around food all dang day. Pregnant back to back. I got fat.
Now I am stressed again. What will happen? I'm so exhausted again even though my levels went up a little during my iron infusions. B12 is good. Not sure about VIT D yet. I was a 15! On high doses again.
Maybe the exhaustion is the crap I've been eating. Carbs. Seriously that is it. Just grazing and popping chips, crackers, whatever. It's sick and embarrassing but I have to get it out.
I'm scared I will gain weight while going through this change. I saw 2+ pounds the other day and freaked and screamed an cried. I had an ablation so I don't have periods anymore but I do get PMS still and I'm thinking it's that but still.
So it's out there. I'm feeling like a failure right now. I stopped exercising hard like I was. I gave up. I stopped cooking the foods I used to. I gave up.
I'm hoping to kick my butt this week and just deal with this head on. I do not want to be that fat girl again. Not even just a little.
Thanks for listening :)
............
xo
Marisa...what was the schedule? for hubby? What hours did he wind up with? Trust me when I say I UNDERSTAND about the stress and having to deal w/ the kids all by yourself. We only have 2 kids, but I feel like an only parent sometimes too. Hubby works late hours at the Casino 4 nights a week and then the lawn care business we have the other parts of the week. WHEW. It's exhausting. I'm here for ya girl! Vent all ya want! If we couldn't vent to each other wth would we do? LOL Hang in there. You're a fighter! You're not going to get fat again!
ReplyDeleteYou have a lot on your plate!! You have every right to be exhausted and frustrated. Don't let it keep getting you down. Take it one day at a time, like we had to do when we were first post oPs! Take the kids for walks or do something active outside when it's nice! You have already done such an amazing job and totally rocking surgery, that you will get over this! You will triumph and never be the fat girl again. The fact that you're even worried about that shows me that you won't let it get there again!!
ReplyDeleteAnd vent all you want girl, that's what we're here for!!!
Ps what's hubby's schedule!?
Miss uuuuuu!
ReplyDeleteHi, im AJ, im about eleven months out. What I've learned somewhat is ladies like to vent and not be diagnosed. I do understand though. I very a pressure cooker job. When I us off for WLS all the stress was gone. Now that im back full swing I can see old habits. Get back to thing things that brought you to the level of sucess you've reached one step at a time. i would recommend a spiritual substitute for you snacking late at night. Prayer,meditation or reading, what wver your belif system is.
ReplyDeleteWell wishes!
Checking in on you to make sure you are doing ok. We miss you!
ReplyDelete